The cab driver on crack was not in the plan...

I spent this past weekend in DC visiting a friend - one of the few people left in my life who I share memories with that date back almost a decade... It was a fun and interesting trip. I took a bus from Penn Station, left at 6:30pm on Friday in the pouring rain and didn't step off in DC until 11:15 pm... almost 5 hrs later... yikes! But other than the rain delays, the trip was decent - clean bus, movies (Dodgeball in particular kept me entertained for a while), a book and my iPod - enough to entertain my mind while I stared out the window at the glossy blur of head and taillights.

The weekend wasn't too exciting, we never made it out to any bars, concerts, or monuments - we did however spend some time in a few of the Smithsonian museums, which was about all I wanted to do considering that I was battling the onset of a head cold. So a little art, food and movies... lots of Advil cold&sinus - not exactly how I had imagined it, but exactly what I needed. The trip did a lot for me - it really helped define my independence... as if moving to NYC without knowing a soul wasn't enough... I sat on that bus and thought to myself, "wow, it's really just me." It also got me thinking about time - decades, years, months - why after all this time is it all so different and yet still feels like my life? So this is what I came up with...

It's so strange how much our lives change and we just keep going. Day after day, new decisions, opportunities, people, places...
I realized this weekend that for most of us (excluding the people who are born, raised and die in the same house/town)... a lot of things can change, and fast... but only on the surface. What lies deeper in all of us, the emotional attachments to people and dreams... take much longer to change, if they ever do at all. Regardless of how "spontaneous" people claim or desire to be, I believe that at our core we all hold on to thoughts of what our future might be. Whether it's our future with another person, in another place, or working another job... there's a lot that people hold on to regardless of their new environments. I think it's because love and hope are some of the strongest emotional ties we can make.

So it got me thinking about the kind of meaning that you can have in another person's life. You are either someone on the surface - or a part of someone's plan. They either see me as a fun shopping companion this weekend and perhaps a few more in the near future, or they picture me at their wedding. Perhaps this is a little too black and white... but bear with me...

Luckily - plan's change - and thank goodness for that because if they didn't I would be married, probably pregnant, and living on 30 acres somewhere in Tennessee... (ugh, did anyone else just get chills?)

But do our plan's keep us from letting in what's at the surface? Do I not take an opportunity in New York because I always imagined myself living in Colorado? Do I let a great guy go because I think an old flame will rekindle one day? If we trust that our plans will come true, are we overlooking a life we never imagined or are we just being true to ourselves?
Hmm... this is why it helps to have an iPod to entertain my mind - otherwise I could think myself in circles all day...

Regardless of what this all means, and I'm not even sure that I know any more...
I think you can learn more about life if you take some time to dig a little deeper... stop looking at situations through your own little rose-colored life plan glasses and find out what other people's perspectives are. People are much less complicated when you stop trying to make them fit you and start understanding where you fit for them...

Ok - so that was my Psychology 101 attempt for the day... the other point I wanted to make was that since moving to New York, I had forgotten how much I loved the sky... how big and beautiful it is. Here it tends to get lost among the sky scrapers; your eyes always looking down to avoid trip hazards, people, or moving vehicles. But in DC, the sky was enormous and blue and it made me so happy. I have to admit that after taking the "red-eye" bus back to NYC this morning, hopping in a cab at 3:30 am and seriously starting to wonder whether the driver was high on crack... I was beginning to wish I was still in DC with the jeep top down, cool wind on my cheeks and bright blue sky all around... but then I woke up this morning, safe and sound in my warm bed, some orchestral piece on NPR playing in the background, the sparkling Hudson and empire state building both in my line of vision... and I changed my mind.

Those who fill my heart...

It's late - 11:20pm - well, for me anyways... I can't sleep and my mind is spinning. I had the BEST day at work today, I got to head up a editing session on my own dvd project :) It was so exciting! I really have the best supervisors, they have a lot of faith in my ability and are really encouraging.

I also have been thinking a lot about all these relationships that I've been holding on to since I moved... There is something that changes when you move away. Some people drift away, some pull closer, and I've actually been surprised how some of my relationships have changed or grown in the last 2 months.

Distance acts like a revealing agent - because to hold on to a person that is so far away, you have to feel like they are worth the investment. You have to know that whether it's an email, a phone call or a short-term visit, they will continue to add value to your life. So distance reveals the people that want you in their life, and it makes you realize who you really want in yours.

I've grown an appreciation for my friendships... over my four years at GCSU I developed a small handful of amazing, intelligent, fascinating and genuine friends. And while I may be an optimist, I'm not naive and I realize that some of these people will still eventually slip out of my life. But for now - just knowing that they are still there for me as my friend, minus the Thursday night drunken memories and weekly lunch dates, means so much. It's probably the one last ounce of stability I have to hold on to. Since I've moved, everything has been a new adjustment, but my friends are the same familiar voices, the same cooky personalities, and a reassurement that I'm not in this alone.

I'm a person who embraces change, I find it exhilarating and motivating... but at times it's still nice to know that some things in life stay the same.

For those of you who fill my heart with friendship - I love you and miss you, thank you.

Smiling at no one...

My best friend tells me "Laura, you don't do low key..." which is so incredibly true. I tend to lack that emotional barrier that keeps the feelings on the inside, the ones that fill your heart and your mind, from being expressed to the outside world. I like to tell people "I'm just pure of heart"... but however you put it, if I'm thinking it, if I'm feeling it, you will know. My emotions bubble uncontrollably to the surface and burst out in expression, sound and words. I happen to love this about myself, it keeps me true to myself and true to others. Lately, I've been happy, truly, ridiculously happy, with my life and my choices and the people I'm surrounded by. I'm the girl that smiles at no one. I sit on the bus, music playing on my ipod, and while staring out the window, at the floor, or perhaps unintentionally at some stranger across the isle, I break into a smile and sometimes a quiet laugh. I'm not quite sure where it comes from, but some deep content part of me that is finally seeing my dreams come to life. I love this city, I love my job, I love the people that I've met and I love that I believed in myself enough to see it all come true. I have always been a dreamer - I've been known to spend entire days lost in my own thoughts. I believe dreams allow us to live beyond the moment, to be filled with possibility and hope. I think dreams are the key to childhood - having the imagination to dream the unthinkable. Somehow as we get older I think most people lose sight of their dreams, because they stop believing that they might actually come true. I still dream, sometimes as if I were still climbing trees and chasing boys around the playground. I think there is some saying like "you shoot for the stars and you'll reach the moon"... that's kinda how I try to live my life. So far I think it's worked.

I believe in dreams, and I believe that people really can achieve them... but the key is believing in the possibility and believing in themselves. Before moving to NYC, I encountered a lot of discouraging people, and the majority of them had two main points to make:
1. It is incredibly expensive and impossible to survive.
2. The people in NY are terribly mean and would make me miserable.

For all of those people (who are too many to count) I have two points to make:
1. I am living more comfortably supporting myself on a meager entry-level salary while living in Manhattan than I ever have in my life. I am not only surviving - I'm thriving.
2. Every person I have met through work or random contacts has been generous, friendly, warm, inviting and kind. The stereotype of mean New Yorkers is simply an ignorant myth.

Luckily, I wasn't ignorant enough to listen and let them bash my dreams and optimism. So my point is - BELIEVE in your dreams, surround yourself with people who will believe with you, let go of fear and shoot for the stars... you might end up so happy that you'll find yourself smiling at no one.