Return to the keyboard...

I know many of you think I've gone MIA... and truthfully, I am a little ashamed of how I've allowed the vortex of NYC to suck me in. It really consumes you, this island of concrete and people... it has affected me in ways I never anticipated.

Six months (going on seven). That's how long I've been here. Hard to believe that it's been that long - it would take decades to know this city like I've known other homes in the past. I was told once that you have to live in NY three years before you earn your "wings". I believe it too... for some reason I still feel as though I'm on some kind of extended vacation -or- probably more like a lengthy study abroad program. It doesn't feel like home... and I'm not sure what it will take, 3 years... six... ten? Or possibly never at all.

They say that college is where you "discover yourself"... I disagree.

I believe that in college, you open the channels to self discovery. It's a beautiful thing - you are immersed in the liberal arts, free to bounce around from one passion to another, between social groups, activities, jobs. You think you know yourself... but the freedom of self expression coupled with minimal boundaries still leaves you clueless. You've tried it all - and yet you still don't know what you want out of life.

Having left the liberation of the college experience and planted in an environment of expectations, social hierarchy and intense responsibility, I now am experiencing the process of self discovery. Working 50 hrs a week and trying to manage my life - I don't feel the same freedom that I had in college. I now have a very limited amount of free time and limited means to do anything with it. It puts your passions in perspective... most of my time is spent at work where other people dictate what I do all day. It leaves me asking myself "How do I WANT to spend my time? What are my priorities, my true interests?"

Therefore, it's the transition from freedom to restriction that is most conducive to "self discovery". You push out the boundaries in college - stretch your breadth of experience... then the boundaries retract - you can't do everything you used to. The things you yearn for the most - these are your values and passions. This is the beginning of self discovery (a journey which I am conviced never ends).


So far, I have learned the following:

I LOVE:

• People, people, people, people... everywhere you look they are walking, talking, laughing, listening, touching - all different - their clothes, hair, bodies, expression, accent. The variety fascinates me - I envy some with their blatent disregard to conventionalism. I pity others, the lines of anger and misery contorting their face. I want to know their stories - where are they going, why are they running, how do they know each other, where are they from, what do they do, why are they wearing that??? The questions never cease, I'm often caught staring - lost in thought about a person whom I'll likely never actually meet.
  
• Parks... Specifically Central Park. Never in my life have I been to a park like this. I admit that I have only explored a mere fraction of it myself. But it amazes me that amidst the steel framed high rises, sits this luscious green speck of nature. In the snow - it's magnificent. In the Spring - I hope it will be rejuvenating. There are a lot of prices to pay for living in a city. The trash, air pollution, noise, etc. But the park brings me some peace from the urban grunge.
• Restaurants... Thai, Vietnamese, Turkish, Egyptian, Chinese, American, Italian, Irish, Persian, Japanese, Cuban, French, German, African... you name it, there is a restaurant that serves it in NYC. As a self declared food lover (bordering on obsessive); I have settled in restaurant heaven. There is only one drawback: price. Fairly self-explanatory, with the high rent rates and a large population of well paid people... it can be hard to find a price tag under $15 a plate for a good meal. But then again, half of the fun is hunting down those secret local treasures that offer yummy food at a super affordable price.
  
• Walking... people in New York walk - and for the most part they don't complain about it! Ten blocks is considered "just around the corner" and you don't hop in your car to go down the street. There is something very empowering and invigorating about walking everywhere. It's liberating to rely on your own body to get your where you need to go.
  

While there are many aspects about NY that I do enjoy - being here has magnified things that I love, but can't do...

I MISS...

• Having a Car... OK, I realize that I just finished praising the benefits of self locomotion. Walking is great when you want to go eat dinner, run to the store or the gym... Driving is great when you want to go camping in the mountains or vacation to a b&b on the beach. I miss the freedom of a car - the ability to get far away in a minimal amount of time. I often feel trapped on this island, and as much as I love Central Park, it's not enough to satisfy my yearning for fresh mountain air, dirt trails with deer tracks, the sound of a bubbling stream or the pungent earthy smell of grass. I'm an "escapist" as I like to say... I love to get away, remove myself from the daily grind and take a weekend to explore a new world. I don't know how to do that here... I can only go as far as a train will take me, beyond that I'm stuck. Renting cars isn't cheap and certainly doesn't fit into my monthly budget (not to mention that at 23, I'm still not considered old enough to rent one without paying some ridiculous extra insurance charge)... so for now I just try to find a quiet spot, close my eyes and dream about a place far away.
  
• People that say "Y'all"... I never identified myself as a true southerner until I came to New York. In fact, by southern standards, I don't even have an accent - a point that most northerners would argue. But, if there is any ounce of southern culture that managed to weave its way into my subconscious behavior - it's the word "Y'all". I don't know how to not say it. "You all" just sounds ridiculous. In fact, I don't want to stop saying it - to me it feels like who I am. But the frustrating part is that I the word hardly slips out of my mouth before somebody goes off into a terribly poor impression of a southern accent, hitting all stereotypes that associate southerners with ignorance and lack of civility. Somedays all I really want to do is sit in a Waffle House, eat cheese grits and let my southern drawl out of it's cage.
  
• Puppies... I grew up with a dog (puppies as I like to call them, no matter how old). I can't remember a time without one, except in college. But even then, I could come home on the weekends anytime I needed a good slobber and fur fix. It wasn't even up for discussion - I knew that once I got my first job, I would get my own dog. And yet, here I am, no puppy and no conceivable plan to get one. It's not that people don't have dogs in New York. It's that they don't have dogs the way I'm accustomed to. Dogs here don't have back yards, they don't even take walks in the grass! They go up and down elevators and pee and poop on the concrete, after which the owner has to pick it up with a plastic bag and throw it away. They don't run free and chase frisbees or squirrels, they don't bury their favorite rawhides in the dirt behind their doghouse... they don't live a dog's life, they live a human's life on a leash. It makes me sad, because as much as I would love a puppy, there is no way that I could live with myself - keeping it locked up in a small apt all day, away from grass, lakes, sunshine, bugs. So until I can, I'll just have to settle with staring through the pet store glass.
• My Family... as you know, I am highly independent. I plan my life without regard to others around me. I have never felt an obligation to stay in my hometown, stick around for a boyfriend, or follow a boyfriend, or go anywhere only because "I know someone". I would never claim to be a "homebody". In college I usually made it home about once every two months, depending on my schedule, sometime more, sometimes less. But I must admit, I miss the guaranteed companionship of spending a weekend with the folks. I've always loved my parents; their supportive, giving nature is always so refreshing. I used to think I'd use my vacation time for something really exotic... yet now I just want to go home for a week and eat a nice home-cooked meal with my mommy and daddy.
  
• School... I love learning and I especially love school. It always came naturally to me, studying concepts, memorizing and applying information. I liked that my hard work was rewarded with a clear-cut stamp of approval - "A", there's no doubting that. I miss stretching my mental capacity - reading and discussions. I feel like I would make a better student now, I think grad school probably isnt too far off in my future...
  

Well, I've been typing forever. It feels good to get back to the keyboard, pounding out my random thoughts. I like the process of writing, it's incredibly therapeutic and reflective. Not to mention a much needed break from the drudgery of filing my income taxes - which definitely does not qualify as how I WANT to spend my time, but unfortunately, in the world of responsible adulthood it's a chore I must tackle. At least I can look forward to a dinner date this evening at quaint little nick-nackey cafe called "Red Devil Moon" that I've been dying to try for months. :)

Overall though, I must say that the path to self discovery is a good one, and that while I've learned that New York can't offer me everything I love - for the meantime, its a damn cool place to live.